Monster by Skillet
Songwriters: Brown, Gavin; Cooper, John Landrum;
The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
long while....
it's been a long while since I have posted. Just haven't felt much like it lately. I am taking two new meds for my O.C.D. One is for anxiety and one is for "thought stopping". Hubs doesn't really like how the "thought stopping" one is described, but oh well, that is what Dr. P said. The first day or two they seemed to work, but not sure now. Not sure if they aren't working or if Dr. P was just laying the ground work for higher dosages at my next visit which is in about a week.
My birthday is coming soon. I would love to forget this whole past year. Just hasn't been one to scrapbook so to speak. Keith lost a job, still doesn't have a great one, and we are just making it. At nearly 33 that really STINKS. And to be honest, I have been the cheerleader for the past 10 months and I am tired...very tired.
I am honestly going to try and do better about posting, it seems to help.
My birthday is coming soon. I would love to forget this whole past year. Just hasn't been one to scrapbook so to speak. Keith lost a job, still doesn't have a great one, and we are just making it. At nearly 33 that really STINKS. And to be honest, I have been the cheerleader for the past 10 months and I am tired...very tired.
I am honestly going to try and do better about posting, it seems to help.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
BIBLE GIVEAWAY AT LOGOS!!! Check it out!!!
Logos Bible Software is celebrating the launch of their new online Bible by giving away 72 ultra-premium print Bibles at a rate of 12 per month for six months. The Bible giveaway is being held at Bible.Logos.com and you can get up to five different entries each month! After you enter, be sure to check out Logos and see how it can revolutionize your Bible study.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
dogs, our nephew and dentists
My nephew has been staying with us since Saturday. It has been so much fun having him here. He is 11 (12 in two months as he readily reminded me at the movies when we were buying his "child's" ticket - doesn't he know that ROCKS to get in cheaper? LOL!) His grandmother was killed in an accident last week, and so we have all been in a little bit of a tail-spin since. I never met her, and she is the ex-wife of my FIL; but with step-families the lines get blurry. And I hurt for my nephew because he is hurting. So although the reason he's stayed so many days with us were not good, I don't want him to go home! :o( He will be back at Keith's mom & step-dad's house where he lives; and I see him at least once a week if not more. But I wish he could stay here a little longer. We have had a blast. :o) Just going to have to have some more days when he comes to spend the night and hang out.
Missie Moo, our border collie, has never cared for our nephew much. He was mean to her when she was a pup, and she NEVER forgot it. Not to mention never really being around children she wants to herd them, not knowing those little ones are people! LOL! But he & Missie Moo bonded. In fact she was in the recliner sleeping with him last night - AWWWWWWW! I even have pictures of Missie getting belly rubs from him. Let me tell you THIS is a miracle!!! But so very precious. :o)
Mazie is not going to know what to do when he goes home either, or Marlie for that matter. But Mazie the most - she CRIED for him while he took his shower today, and he was just in the bathroom with the door shut.......
He has tuckered all three girls OUT this week, and it has been good for them playing with him and if you don't know how little boys can be - well they play rough and sweet and silly and precious all at the same time. It has been a joy to watch!!! And I am telling ya - he will cuddle up with you and watch tv or play a game or anything - and I LOVE THAT!!!
Amazingly, I haven't really felt stressed or anxious since Saturday when he got here. And I am thankful. I did what I had to do, what he needed me to - no matter what. And he gets a little of the O.C.D. - and I only almost cried once when he was pretending to spit loogies on me - EWWWWWWWW! Spit/germs/O.C.D. do NOT mix! But he saw I was about to get a little upset and stopped and gave me a hug and said sorry. Just so sweet!
Finally I had a dental appointment today. Just a filling this time, no shot necessary and I am feeling good. Honestly cannot even tell I had it done. They have come a long way from what fillings used to look like. This is the first filling I have ever had - and I can say I don't WANT to have another one, but I will be ok if I do. :o)
The bad news? Well it is now time for the oral surgeon and Orthodontist. As soon as the next tooth is pulled some cosmetic work MUST be done, or I will have no way to eat. This DOES NOT come at an opportune time considering the hubby still doesn't have the premium job. We are squeeking by, and barely that sometimes - thanks to help from our mom's we are ok. So after I have my next appointment scheduled, but gonna have to cancel. I am kind of frustrated about this, simply because I am on a roll, I am comfortable with our dentist now, I know what to expect and frankly the teeth are hurting that need pulled. One is a baby tooth that never fell out, one is a tooth that had a root canal. So neither are going to do any damage by staying in, but they are painful. But life will go on. I am just one of those people (Yes it may be the O.C.D.) if you tell me I need something done, I just want to go ahead and do it and get it over with. Because the longer I have to think about it, and mull it over - the more likely I am to panic about it. So it would be nice to go for it, have the teeth pulled, see the orthodontist, get the partials made, put the braces on. Ya know? Not to mention that I would like to have teeth with NO ISSUES for a while. I would like to LIKE my teeth for the first time in my life. But again life will go on.
It is 3:12am, and I couldn't really sleep. I am tired, but my mind just won't stop. So going to lay down and try again, and try to get the what did I do wrongs? why do they not like me? what is wrong with me's? out of my head for the night.
Missie Moo, our border collie, has never cared for our nephew much. He was mean to her when she was a pup, and she NEVER forgot it. Not to mention never really being around children she wants to herd them, not knowing those little ones are people! LOL! But he & Missie Moo bonded. In fact she was in the recliner sleeping with him last night - AWWWWWWW! I even have pictures of Missie getting belly rubs from him. Let me tell you THIS is a miracle!!! But so very precious. :o)
Mazie is not going to know what to do when he goes home either, or Marlie for that matter. But Mazie the most - she CRIED for him while he took his shower today, and he was just in the bathroom with the door shut.......
He has tuckered all three girls OUT this week, and it has been good for them playing with him and if you don't know how little boys can be - well they play rough and sweet and silly and precious all at the same time. It has been a joy to watch!!! And I am telling ya - he will cuddle up with you and watch tv or play a game or anything - and I LOVE THAT!!!
Amazingly, I haven't really felt stressed or anxious since Saturday when he got here. And I am thankful. I did what I had to do, what he needed me to - no matter what. And he gets a little of the O.C.D. - and I only almost cried once when he was pretending to spit loogies on me - EWWWWWWWW! Spit/germs/O.C.D. do NOT mix! But he saw I was about to get a little upset and stopped and gave me a hug and said sorry. Just so sweet!
Finally I had a dental appointment today. Just a filling this time, no shot necessary and I am feeling good. Honestly cannot even tell I had it done. They have come a long way from what fillings used to look like. This is the first filling I have ever had - and I can say I don't WANT to have another one, but I will be ok if I do. :o)
The bad news? Well it is now time for the oral surgeon and Orthodontist. As soon as the next tooth is pulled some cosmetic work MUST be done, or I will have no way to eat. This DOES NOT come at an opportune time considering the hubby still doesn't have the premium job. We are squeeking by, and barely that sometimes - thanks to help from our mom's we are ok. So after I have my next appointment scheduled, but gonna have to cancel. I am kind of frustrated about this, simply because I am on a roll, I am comfortable with our dentist now, I know what to expect and frankly the teeth are hurting that need pulled. One is a baby tooth that never fell out, one is a tooth that had a root canal. So neither are going to do any damage by staying in, but they are painful. But life will go on. I am just one of those people (Yes it may be the O.C.D.) if you tell me I need something done, I just want to go ahead and do it and get it over with. Because the longer I have to think about it, and mull it over - the more likely I am to panic about it. So it would be nice to go for it, have the teeth pulled, see the orthodontist, get the partials made, put the braces on. Ya know? Not to mention that I would like to have teeth with NO ISSUES for a while. I would like to LIKE my teeth for the first time in my life. But again life will go on.
It is 3:12am, and I couldn't really sleep. I am tired, but my mind just won't stop. So going to lay down and try again, and try to get the what did I do wrongs? why do they not like me? what is wrong with me's? out of my head for the night.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Quilting & O.C.D.
I am lucky enough to be able to take a beginning quilting class in August. I am very excited about this class, and it is a treat from my Mother-in-law! I have been finding quilting blogs and websites all summer so I can begin to "figure things out." And then today we spent an afternoon in Book A Million browsing, and I found a quilting pattern book for $5! I figured for the 20 patterns in the book, it was well worth the price.
Now you ask, what does this have to do with O.C.D.? Well, I think it is going to tie in very nicely and be a sense of relief and relaxation. In quilting to have to be precise, find patterns of fabrics that coordinate well together and be able to stick with it until the project is finished (some quilts can take a while.) Well I have never heard of a more fit hobby for someone with O.C.D.! LOL! I mean I can spend hours trying to get something organized perfectly in a drawer - so can you imagine the fun I will have getting a quilt just right?
So although my world is VERY SMALL, and I have few "safe places". I will be attending class in a store where I have been many times, with a teacher I have taken a class with in the past, and doing something that utilizes my O.C.D. tendencies! So this is one thing I can GET excited about, stay excited about, and NOT get nervous about (at least for now!) :o)
And why am I blogging about this at 2:15am, you ask? Well although it was something that was on my mind today (which as you know, if it is on my mind then it stays there for a while) and I have a fluffy white dog who's sleeping on the end of the bed and kicking me like a JACK RABBIT so that I cannot sleep. LOL! (And yes I tried to move her, but have you ever tried to move a 50 pound VERY strong herding dog that didn't want to be moved? They go limp and look at you like YEAH RIGHT!)
Today was a good day filled with lunch with my husband, an afternoon in a book store, a Quilting purchase SCORE, and a yummy dinner of leftover grilled hamburgers & hot dogs (Yes, Momma. I said leftover! I know you cannot believe it!)
Gonna try to move the dog again, and go to sleep. :o)
Now you ask, what does this have to do with O.C.D.? Well, I think it is going to tie in very nicely and be a sense of relief and relaxation. In quilting to have to be precise, find patterns of fabrics that coordinate well together and be able to stick with it until the project is finished (some quilts can take a while.) Well I have never heard of a more fit hobby for someone with O.C.D.! LOL! I mean I can spend hours trying to get something organized perfectly in a drawer - so can you imagine the fun I will have getting a quilt just right?
So although my world is VERY SMALL, and I have few "safe places". I will be attending class in a store where I have been many times, with a teacher I have taken a class with in the past, and doing something that utilizes my O.C.D. tendencies! So this is one thing I can GET excited about, stay excited about, and NOT get nervous about (at least for now!) :o)
And why am I blogging about this at 2:15am, you ask? Well although it was something that was on my mind today (which as you know, if it is on my mind then it stays there for a while) and I have a fluffy white dog who's sleeping on the end of the bed and kicking me like a JACK RABBIT so that I cannot sleep. LOL! (And yes I tried to move her, but have you ever tried to move a 50 pound VERY strong herding dog that didn't want to be moved? They go limp and look at you like YEAH RIGHT!)
Today was a good day filled with lunch with my husband, an afternoon in a book store, a Quilting purchase SCORE, and a yummy dinner of leftover grilled hamburgers & hot dogs (Yes, Momma. I said leftover! I know you cannot believe it!)
Gonna try to move the dog again, and go to sleep. :o)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Encouragement
As I have said before, the new show "Obsessed" on A&E drives me CRAZY! Mainly because I do not believe in the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and for more info on my thoughts on this - go back a couple of posts.
I will say that I would like to encourage anyone who knows me and does/doesn't "get" the O.C.D. to watch the show. The episode that just aired to night showed the girl with her boyfriend in the kitchen while he was cooking a meal. She was freaking out! Is this clean, did you wash it, did someone just use it and stick it back in the drawer. This is my life when Keith is cooking anything. The one thing I appreciated about this was that as she got frustrated with herself and apologized and began to cry - her boyfriend hugged her and said "I know, I know, it is ok." WOW - that is so very awesome. He admitted that it was frustrating to deal with her, and her O.C.D., but he was willing to encourage her. I will say that I have encountered A LOT of frustration in this journey. People don't understand why I cannot talk on the phone, or go into a store, or touch something, or eat at a picnic, etc. And they get frustrated, I hear it in their voices, I see it on their faces. My own husband, friends & family members have done this at times.
If someone had diabetes and was unable to go without eating, you would be TOTALLY understanding of them. If someone had asthma and needed to take their time walking into a place or doing an activity, you would be understanding. Name any disease or disorder that is physical in nature, that afflicts someone and people will BEND OVER BACKWARDS encouraging them, talking to them, supporting them, helping them - NEVER getting frustrated. But when it comes to a mental disorder - FORGET IT! People think JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON! Don't you think I would if I could? Do you think I choose this?
An issue is on my mind, and I think about it 200 times a day. So I share it, talk about it - and I meet resistance from the person I share it with. WOW that is frustrating. It hurts frankly. It makes me angry. So angry that I just never want to share anything with anyone. I just make my little list and have my therapy session once every two weeks. And to be honest, if I could afford it, I would go to therapy EVERY WEEK, it would be such a blessing. What a joy it would be to be able to talk with someone who doesn't get angry or frustrated with me for my O.C.D. and how it affects my thoughts and feelings.
I think I just get beaten down. When I share what is bothering me with certain people I get asked "well couldn't that be this or maybe it is just YOU." Well no kidding! I know that - I know it bothers me and is because of my O.C.D. usually, but because it is a feeling/emotion/thought; they think OH WELL get over it.
I just had a really rough day today, stomach issues, running a fever. And then my day was topped off with the "Why is this coming up?" question that frustrates me to no end. If I could deal with stuff and make it go away, I would. If I could talk about something once and then move on - I WOULD! But unfortunately my brain doesn't work this way. And getting no encouragement when the O.C.D. rears its ugly head, is hurtful. Sometimes when it is going on, you just need someone you trust and love to give you a hug. No I am not a "hugger" with strangers or people I don't know well. But a hug from someone you love and trust gives a lot of encouragement. Instead of asking "Why is this coming up AGAIN?"
I have said it before and I will continue to say it forever and ever, people with mental illnesses are locked in their own minds, it is a prison. And we need visitors too, just like those people down at the county jail.
It's 2:19am, and I am awake. I think I will get some juice and watch a movie so I can get ready to go to therapy in the morning - my safe place.
I will say that I would like to encourage anyone who knows me and does/doesn't "get" the O.C.D. to watch the show. The episode that just aired to night showed the girl with her boyfriend in the kitchen while he was cooking a meal. She was freaking out! Is this clean, did you wash it, did someone just use it and stick it back in the drawer. This is my life when Keith is cooking anything. The one thing I appreciated about this was that as she got frustrated with herself and apologized and began to cry - her boyfriend hugged her and said "I know, I know, it is ok." WOW - that is so very awesome. He admitted that it was frustrating to deal with her, and her O.C.D., but he was willing to encourage her. I will say that I have encountered A LOT of frustration in this journey. People don't understand why I cannot talk on the phone, or go into a store, or touch something, or eat at a picnic, etc. And they get frustrated, I hear it in their voices, I see it on their faces. My own husband, friends & family members have done this at times.
If someone had diabetes and was unable to go without eating, you would be TOTALLY understanding of them. If someone had asthma and needed to take their time walking into a place or doing an activity, you would be understanding. Name any disease or disorder that is physical in nature, that afflicts someone and people will BEND OVER BACKWARDS encouraging them, talking to them, supporting them, helping them - NEVER getting frustrated. But when it comes to a mental disorder - FORGET IT! People think JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON! Don't you think I would if I could? Do you think I choose this?
An issue is on my mind, and I think about it 200 times a day. So I share it, talk about it - and I meet resistance from the person I share it with. WOW that is frustrating. It hurts frankly. It makes me angry. So angry that I just never want to share anything with anyone. I just make my little list and have my therapy session once every two weeks. And to be honest, if I could afford it, I would go to therapy EVERY WEEK, it would be such a blessing. What a joy it would be to be able to talk with someone who doesn't get angry or frustrated with me for my O.C.D. and how it affects my thoughts and feelings.
I think I just get beaten down. When I share what is bothering me with certain people I get asked "well couldn't that be this or maybe it is just YOU." Well no kidding! I know that - I know it bothers me and is because of my O.C.D. usually, but because it is a feeling/emotion/thought; they think OH WELL get over it.
I just had a really rough day today, stomach issues, running a fever. And then my day was topped off with the "Why is this coming up?" question that frustrates me to no end. If I could deal with stuff and make it go away, I would. If I could talk about something once and then move on - I WOULD! But unfortunately my brain doesn't work this way. And getting no encouragement when the O.C.D. rears its ugly head, is hurtful. Sometimes when it is going on, you just need someone you trust and love to give you a hug. No I am not a "hugger" with strangers or people I don't know well. But a hug from someone you love and trust gives a lot of encouragement. Instead of asking "Why is this coming up AGAIN?"
I have said it before and I will continue to say it forever and ever, people with mental illnesses are locked in their own minds, it is a prison. And we need visitors too, just like those people down at the county jail.
It's 2:19am, and I am awake. I think I will get some juice and watch a movie so I can get ready to go to therapy in the morning - my safe place.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
15 years ago today...
I lost my daddy. I will FOREVER love the man he truly was, and I will FOREVER miss THAT man. I have the perfect picture of THAT man hanging in my living room, holding me when I was 5 or 6; and it will always be shown to any new visitor to my house - because that is a TRULY HAPPY, CAREFREE daddy-daughter moment.
The last few months with this blog, I get in this mood to share, share, share!!! Then I get a feeling that no one wants to read my "junk" so I don't post for a while until something hits me hard. But Keith reminded me of something tonight at a church picnic, this blog is FOR ME. I told a friend at church about this blog, and how I do it to try and let people see inside the world of O.C.D. and inside my head. And when Keith was talking about my blog during that conversation - he said "it is her outlet and way to express things she cannot say out loud." I realized then my neglect of the blog is OVER.
SO ATTENTION!!! If you don't want to read about my O.C.D. junk - STOP READING NOW and FOREVER! LoL! And if you want only fun, fluffy, feel-good stories to read - no need to stick around here. This blog is about my O.C.D. riddled mind and what goes on with me -so it will be the GOOD - the BAD - & the UGLY; IT WILL BE REAL!!! Be prepared...
Another thing, I read a couple of old posts tonight - get over the spelling and grammar errors. When I get going, I am SO NOT worrying about that. I am typing from my heart, from deep down and the grammar means nothing at that point, even to a former teacher.
After talking to a friend today, who asked questions - WHICH I LOVE!!! I have decided to post some back story here in the next few days/weeks. About how all this "happened" to me. And if you are still reading this - and you are curious tonight or EVER - ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER mind being asked about the O.C.D. - NEVER! I want people to learn about this disease and how TRULY awful it is, and how silent it is. And I want people to learn how powerful friendship and love are, and how your note or email can mean the WORLD to someone dealing with a mental illness.
We are in the bed, I have a hubs snoring beside me, a dog snoring on the floor beside him, and another dog at the end of the bed snoring. OH MY! The only ones not snoring are Marlie & Me. (LOL! that was funnY!)
I am off to play a game on my Nintendo DS for some down time before going to sleep. Nite :o)
The last few months with this blog, I get in this mood to share, share, share!!! Then I get a feeling that no one wants to read my "junk" so I don't post for a while until something hits me hard. But Keith reminded me of something tonight at a church picnic, this blog is FOR ME. I told a friend at church about this blog, and how I do it to try and let people see inside the world of O.C.D. and inside my head. And when Keith was talking about my blog during that conversation - he said "it is her outlet and way to express things she cannot say out loud." I realized then my neglect of the blog is OVER.
SO ATTENTION!!! If you don't want to read about my O.C.D. junk - STOP READING NOW and FOREVER! LoL! And if you want only fun, fluffy, feel-good stories to read - no need to stick around here. This blog is about my O.C.D. riddled mind and what goes on with me -so it will be the GOOD - the BAD - & the UGLY; IT WILL BE REAL!!! Be prepared...
Another thing, I read a couple of old posts tonight - get over the spelling and grammar errors. When I get going, I am SO NOT worrying about that. I am typing from my heart, from deep down and the grammar means nothing at that point, even to a former teacher.
After talking to a friend today, who asked questions - WHICH I LOVE!!! I have decided to post some back story here in the next few days/weeks. About how all this "happened" to me. And if you are still reading this - and you are curious tonight or EVER - ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER mind being asked about the O.C.D. - NEVER! I want people to learn about this disease and how TRULY awful it is, and how silent it is. And I want people to learn how powerful friendship and love are, and how your note or email can mean the WORLD to someone dealing with a mental illness.
We are in the bed, I have a hubs snoring beside me, a dog snoring on the floor beside him, and another dog at the end of the bed snoring. OH MY! The only ones not snoring are Marlie & Me. (LOL! that was funnY!)
I am off to play a game on my Nintendo DS for some down time before going to sleep. Nite :o)
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