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dogs, our nephew and dentists

My nephew has been staying with us since Saturday. It has been so much fun having him here. He is 11 (12 in two months as he readily reminded me at the movies when we were buying his "child's" ticket - doesn't he know that ROCKS to get in cheaper? LOL!) His grandmother was killed in an accident last week, and so we have all been in a little bit of a tail-spin since. I never met her, and she is the ex-wife of my FIL; but with step-families the lines get blurry. And I hurt for my nephew because he is hurting. So although the reason he's stayed so many days with us were not good, I don't want him to go home! :o( He will be back at Keith's mom & step-dad's house where he lives; and I see him at least once a week if not more. But I wish he could stay here a little longer. We have had a blast. :o) Just going to have to have some more days when he comes to spend the night and hang out.

Missie Moo, our border collie, has never cared for our nephew much. He was mean to her when she was a pup, and she NEVER forgot it. Not to mention never really being around children she wants to herd them, not knowing those little ones are people! LOL! But he & Missie Moo bonded. In fact she was in the recliner sleeping with him last night - AWWWWWWW! I even have pictures of Missie getting belly rubs from him. Let me tell you THIS is a miracle!!! But so very precious. :o)
Mazie is not going to know what to do when he goes home either, or Marlie for that matter. But Mazie the most - she CRIED for him while he took his shower today, and he was just in the bathroom with the door shut.......
He has tuckered all three girls OUT this week, and it has been good for them playing with him and if you don't know how little boys can be - well they play rough and sweet and silly and precious all at the same time. It has been a joy to watch!!! And I am telling ya - he will cuddle up with you and watch tv or play a game or anything - and I LOVE THAT!!!

Amazingly, I haven't really felt stressed or anxious since Saturday when he got here. And I am thankful. I did what I had to do, what he needed me to - no matter what. And he gets a little of the O.C.D. - and I only almost cried once when he was pretending to spit loogies on me - EWWWWWWWW! Spit/germs/O.C.D. do NOT mix! But he saw I was about to get a little upset and stopped and gave me a hug and said sorry. Just so sweet!

Finally I had a dental appointment today. Just a filling this time, no shot necessary and I am feeling good. Honestly cannot even tell I had it done. They have come a long way from what fillings used to look like. This is the first filling I have ever had - and I can say I don't WANT to have another one, but I will be ok if I do. :o)

The bad news? Well it is now time for the oral surgeon and Orthodontist. As soon as the next tooth is pulled some cosmetic work MUST be done, or I will have no way to eat. This DOES NOT come at an opportune time considering the hubby still doesn't have the premium job. We are squeeking by, and barely that sometimes - thanks to help from our mom's we are ok. So after I have my next appointment scheduled, but gonna have to cancel. I am kind of frustrated about this, simply because I am on a roll, I am comfortable with our dentist now, I know what to expect and frankly the teeth are hurting that need pulled. One is a baby tooth that never fell out, one is a tooth that had a root canal. So neither are going to do any damage by staying in, but they are painful. But life will go on. I am just one of those people (Yes it may be the O.C.D.) if you tell me I need something done, I just want to go ahead and do it and get it over with. Because the longer I have to think about it, and mull it over - the more likely I am to panic about it. So it would be nice to go for it, have the teeth pulled, see the orthodontist, get the partials made, put the braces on. Ya know? Not to mention that I would like to have teeth with NO ISSUES for a while. I would like to LIKE my teeth for the first time in my life. But again life will go on.

It is 3:12am, and I couldn't really sleep. I am tired, but my mind just won't stop. So going to lay down and try again, and try to get the what did I do wrongs? why do they not like me? what is wrong with me's? out of my head for the night.

Quilting & O.C.D.

I am lucky enough to be able to take a beginning quilting class in August. I am very excited about this class, and it is a treat from my Mother-in-law! I have been finding quilting blogs and websites all summer so I can begin to "figure things out." And then today we spent an afternoon in Book A Million browsing, and I found a quilting pattern book for $5! I figured for the 20 patterns in the book, it was well worth the price.

Now you ask, what does this have to do with O.C.D.? Well, I think it is going to tie in very nicely and be a sense of relief and relaxation. In quilting to have to be precise, find patterns of fabrics that coordinate well together and be able to stick with it until the project is finished (some quilts can take a while.) Well I have never heard of a more fit hobby for someone with O.C.D.! LOL! I mean I can spend hours trying to get something organized perfectly in a drawer - so can you imagine the fun I will have getting a quilt just right?

So although my world is VERY SMALL, and I have few "safe places". I will be attending class in a store where I have been many times, with a teacher I have taken a class with in the past, and doing something that utilizes my O.C.D. tendencies! So this is one thing I can GET excited about, stay excited about, and NOT get nervous about (at least for now!) :o)

And why am I blogging about this at 2:15am, you ask? Well although it was something that was on my mind today (which as you know, if it is on my mind then it stays there for a while) and I have a fluffy white dog who's sleeping on the end of the bed and kicking me like a JACK RABBIT so that I cannot sleep. LOL! (And yes I tried to move her, but have you ever tried to move a 50 pound VERY strong herding dog that didn't want to be moved? They go limp and look at you like YEAH RIGHT!)

Today was a good day filled with lunch with my husband, an afternoon in a book store, a Quilting purchase SCORE, and a yummy dinner of leftover grilled hamburgers & hot dogs (Yes, Momma. I said leftover! I know you cannot believe it!)

Gonna try to move the dog again, and go to sleep. :o)

Encouragement

As I have said before, the new show "Obsessed" on A&E drives me CRAZY! Mainly because I do not believe in the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and for more info on my thoughts on this - go back a couple of posts.

I will say that I would like to encourage anyone who knows me and does/doesn't "get" the O.C.D. to watch the show. The episode that just aired to night showed the girl with her boyfriend in the kitchen while he was cooking a meal. She was freaking out! Is this clean, did you wash it, did someone just use it and stick it back in the drawer. This is my life when Keith is cooking anything. The one thing I appreciated about this was that as she got frustrated with herself and apologized and began to cry - her boyfriend hugged her and said "I know, I know, it is ok." WOW - that is so very awesome. He admitted that it was frustrating to deal with her, and her O.C.D., but he was willing to encourage her. I will say that I have encountered A LOT of frustration in this journey. People don't understand why I cannot talk on the phone, or go into a store, or touch something, or eat at a picnic, etc. And they get frustrated, I hear it in their voices, I see it on their faces. My own husband, friends & family members have done this at times.

If someone had diabetes and was unable to go without eating, you would be TOTALLY understanding of them. If someone had asthma and needed to take their time walking into a place or doing an activity, you would be understanding. Name any disease or disorder that is physical in nature, that afflicts someone and people will BEND OVER BACKWARDS encouraging them, talking to them, supporting them, helping them - NEVER getting frustrated. But when it comes to a mental disorder - FORGET IT! People think JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON! Don't you think I would if I could? Do you think I choose this?

An issue is on my mind, and I think about it 200 times a day. So I share it, talk about it - and I meet resistance from the person I share it with. WOW that is frustrating. It hurts frankly. It makes me angry. So angry that I just never want to share anything with anyone. I just make my little list and have my therapy session once every two weeks. And to be honest, if I could afford it, I would go to therapy EVERY WEEK, it would be such a blessing. What a joy it would be to be able to talk with someone who doesn't get angry or frustrated with me for my O.C.D. and how it affects my thoughts and feelings.

I think I just get beaten down. When I share what is bothering me with certain people I get asked "well couldn't that be this or maybe it is just YOU." Well no kidding! I know that - I know it bothers me and is because of my O.C.D. usually, but because it is a feeling/emotion/thought; they think OH WELL get over it.

I just had a really rough day today, stomach issues, running a fever. And then my day was topped off with the "Why is this coming up?" question that frustrates me to no end. If I could deal with stuff and make it go away, I would. If I could talk about something once and then move on - I WOULD! But unfortunately my brain doesn't work this way. And getting no encouragement when the O.C.D. rears its ugly head, is hurtful. Sometimes when it is going on, you just need someone you trust and love to give you a hug. No I am not a "hugger" with strangers or people I don't know well. But a hug from someone you love and trust gives a lot of encouragement. Instead of asking "Why is this coming up AGAIN?"

I have said it before and I will continue to say it forever and ever, people with mental illnesses are locked in their own minds, it is a prison. And we need visitors too, just like those people down at the county jail.

It's 2:19am, and I am awake. I think I will get some juice and watch a movie so I can get ready to go to therapy in the morning - my safe place.

15 years ago today...

I lost my daddy. I will FOREVER love the man he truly was, and I will FOREVER miss THAT man. I have the perfect picture of THAT man hanging in my living room, holding me when I was 5 or 6; and it will always be shown to any new visitor to my house - because that is a TRULY HAPPY, CAREFREE daddy-daughter moment.

The last few months with this blog, I get in this mood to share, share, share!!! Then I get a feeling that no one wants to read my "junk" so I don't post for a while until something hits me hard. But Keith reminded me of something tonight at a church picnic, this blog is FOR ME. I told a friend at church about this blog, and how I do it to try and let people see inside the world of O.C.D. and inside my head. And when Keith was talking about my blog during that conversation - he said "it is her outlet and way to express things she cannot say out loud." I realized then my neglect of the blog is OVER.

SO ATTENTION!!! If you don't want to read about my O.C.D. junk - STOP READING NOW and FOREVER! LoL! And if you want only fun, fluffy, feel-good stories to read - no need to stick around here. This blog is about my O.C.D. riddled mind and what goes on with me -so it will be the GOOD - the BAD - & the UGLY; IT WILL BE REAL!!! Be prepared...

Another thing, I read a couple of old posts tonight - get over the spelling and grammar errors. When I get going, I am SO NOT worrying about that. I am typing from my heart, from deep down and the grammar means nothing at that point, even to a former teacher.

After talking to a friend today, who asked questions - WHICH I LOVE!!! I have decided to post some back story here in the next few days/weeks. About how all this "happened" to me. And if you are still reading this - and you are curious tonight or EVER - ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER mind being asked about the O.C.D. - NEVER! I want people to learn about this disease and how TRULY awful it is, and how silent it is. And I want people to learn how powerful friendship and love are, and how your note or email can mean the WORLD to someone dealing with a mental illness.

We are in the bed, I have a hubs snoring beside me, a dog snoring on the floor beside him, and another dog at the end of the bed snoring. OH MY! The only ones not snoring are Marlie & Me. (LOL! that was funnY!)

I am off to play a game on my Nintendo DS for some down time before going to sleep. Nite :o)

So I took a quiz on O.C.D.

It was a two part quiz, 10 or so yes/no questions and 10 or so how deep does this run question (how many times a day do you do it, how dibilitating is it?)

The said a score of 12 & Up could mean that O.C.D. is likely and that you should see a physician.

I scored a 40.

I laughed out loud. I am thinking I don't have one piece of O.C.D. I got the whole thing. I thought back to these two people on the show I watched last night, and the very specific issues they had. He had a germ thing, She was a checker/hoarder. What happens when you have nearly every possible one? I have a germ thing, I check, I hoard, I have phobias, I pull my hair (eyebrows mostly for me - I am very obsessive about plucking them), I repeat things 100s of times. I have bath time, bathroom, bed time, meal time, study time, church time, driving, laundry, mailbox rituals that must be done exactly has necessary or I will be a total wreck, something bad might happen. And even if you prove to me that nothing AWFUL will happen if I do not do them, my head is in EXPLOSION MODE because I couldn't complete them. So I am going to be interested to see how deep they go OBSESSED, or will it be the one hit wonders (maybe two or three hits, ok? LOL!) Or will they try and deal with someone like me???

OBSESSED

There is a new show on A&E that I just finished watching, called "OBSESSED." It was really interesting to watch people with O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) going through it, since I have O.C.D. It was comforting in a way, since I have never had anyone TRULY understand what goes on in my head, because they can't. And frankly I haven't had many people TRY to understand. They think it is being ridiculous and dramatic and once they tire of it, they just choose to no longer be around me. My obsessions about what people think about me, or what they MIGHT be doing have cost me friendships. And as the guy said in the closing of the show - People with O.C.D. are lonely - so lonely, because we live in the prison of our minds and no one comes to visit because it is too MESSY and they cannot deal with it.

They are doing exposure therapy with the patients on "Obsessed", and that is not something I agree with. Do I have coping mechanisms, ABSOLUTELY! But even if one thing ceases to be a compulsive thought or action, it is replaced with another. So the germ-a-phob guy on the show who had no trash cans in his house, no towels in his bathroom was made to do this so his "therapist" could put a dirty tampon in his garbage can, and use his towels. Then he was made to hold the towels. And after 3 months of therapy she told him "You cannot control your thoughts, you cannot control you anxiety, but you can control how you react to it." ABSOLUTELY - I control how I react to mine all the time, I push pause, I stuff it till later - but it is GOING TO COME OUT SOMEHOW. It may not be in a visible way that anyone else can see, I'll just do it in secret. I did it for years, when something I did got to weird for people to deal with, or I was told it was annoying or to stop doing something, I just switched the compulsion. I did something in the presence of other people so they wouldn't see, to bide my time. Then when I was all alone and could be FREE - I did the compulsion I needed to do one, two, three or eight hours ago.

The lady on the show had lost her father in an accident, and she had held onto the clothes he died in. She hid them, only brought them out in private. I have so many things - SILLY THINGS - that I have held onto for years. They mean something to me, it might have been a kleenex used at a funeral or a various other things I am not even willing to share openly on this blog - and do I think OH MY GOODNESS why am I keeping this? YES!!!!!!!!! But I cannot throw it away - I might NEED IT.

My psychiatrist told me when I began to see him he did not believe in behavior modification therapy, that is what they are doing on this show. And now that I know more about my disease I understand why. I have been in therapy for FOUR YEARS learning coping mechanisms - these people did 12 weeks and they are suddenly CURED of their O.C.D.? All this type of therapy does is take away the physical manifesting of a person's anxiety. They may not check a lock 100 x's, they may not wash their hands 40 x's a day, but does that mean the thoughts are not there? I don't think so. Can people be "made" to do things, absolutely - but that doesn't take away the MENTAL torture they have in their minds. And I can tell you all day long that I am fine, great, wonderful - it doesn't mean that I am. I can tell you I am not anxious, and if I train myself to hide all the physical manifestations of anxiety - you won't know that I am anxious - there will be no facial expressions, not checking, no washing rituals - but it is still there - inside my head with no where to go. And just like a container that gets TOO full of water - eventually it will start spilling out - over the sides and EVERYWHERE. And honestly when those are put up feelings and anxiety and emotion - I have no idea how they will then manifest - NO CLUE.

I have a dear husband, who loves me enough to walk this journey with me, and I am incredibly lucky to have him. I had lunch dates, movies and shopping with friends. Parties to go to, had people over for cookouts and holidays. I don't have that anymore. And it is so sad to me that people could not deal with this craziness that is my life, but I understand it. I see how annoying my need to constantly be told that you are not mad at me would be frustrating. That my constant worry that I did something wrong would be annoying. That my need to do things a certain way would be tiring. That my obsession with you as my friend, would be suffocating. But it doesn't make it any easier that I spend most days alone, and no longer have those fun things to look forward to. I am just so thankful that Keith loves me and he is my best friend, and I am his - and that we love to do the same things and even the things we don't have in common we tolerate just to be with one another.

Final thought for the evening - just to try and get you to understand what an obsessive thought feels like. Imagine a song that DRIVES YOU UP A WALL - I mean you HATE THIS SONG. It makes you want to throw up with you hear the first note on the radio and you quickly change the station. Imagine that someone hijacks your car stereo and suddenly the only song that being played is that DETESTABLE SONG, and there is NO OFF button to push, no volume to turn down. Every time you get in your car you hear it at the loudest volume possible with no way of turning it down or even off, no way to even remove that radio from your car or disable it - it just IS that way and there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING you can do about it - your car is now THAT HORRID SONG! That is an obsessive thought.

I see more posts coming...stay tuned...