Encouragement

As I have said before, the new show "Obsessed" on A&E drives me CRAZY! Mainly because I do not believe in the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and for more info on my thoughts on this - go back a couple of posts.

I will say that I would like to encourage anyone who knows me and does/doesn't "get" the O.C.D. to watch the show. The episode that just aired to night showed the girl with her boyfriend in the kitchen while he was cooking a meal. She was freaking out! Is this clean, did you wash it, did someone just use it and stick it back in the drawer. This is my life when Keith is cooking anything. The one thing I appreciated about this was that as she got frustrated with herself and apologized and began to cry - her boyfriend hugged her and said "I know, I know, it is ok." WOW - that is so very awesome. He admitted that it was frustrating to deal with her, and her O.C.D., but he was willing to encourage her. I will say that I have encountered A LOT of frustration in this journey. People don't understand why I cannot talk on the phone, or go into a store, or touch something, or eat at a picnic, etc. And they get frustrated, I hear it in their voices, I see it on their faces. My own husband, friends & family members have done this at times.

If someone had diabetes and was unable to go without eating, you would be TOTALLY understanding of them. If someone had asthma and needed to take their time walking into a place or doing an activity, you would be understanding. Name any disease or disorder that is physical in nature, that afflicts someone and people will BEND OVER BACKWARDS encouraging them, talking to them, supporting them, helping them - NEVER getting frustrated. But when it comes to a mental disorder - FORGET IT! People think JUST GET OVER IT and MOVE ON! Don't you think I would if I could? Do you think I choose this?

An issue is on my mind, and I think about it 200 times a day. So I share it, talk about it - and I meet resistance from the person I share it with. WOW that is frustrating. It hurts frankly. It makes me angry. So angry that I just never want to share anything with anyone. I just make my little list and have my therapy session once every two weeks. And to be honest, if I could afford it, I would go to therapy EVERY WEEK, it would be such a blessing. What a joy it would be to be able to talk with someone who doesn't get angry or frustrated with me for my O.C.D. and how it affects my thoughts and feelings.

I think I just get beaten down. When I share what is bothering me with certain people I get asked "well couldn't that be this or maybe it is just YOU." Well no kidding! I know that - I know it bothers me and is because of my O.C.D. usually, but because it is a feeling/emotion/thought; they think OH WELL get over it.

I just had a really rough day today, stomach issues, running a fever. And then my day was topped off with the "Why is this coming up?" question that frustrates me to no end. If I could deal with stuff and make it go away, I would. If I could talk about something once and then move on - I WOULD! But unfortunately my brain doesn't work this way. And getting no encouragement when the O.C.D. rears its ugly head, is hurtful. Sometimes when it is going on, you just need someone you trust and love to give you a hug. No I am not a "hugger" with strangers or people I don't know well. But a hug from someone you love and trust gives a lot of encouragement. Instead of asking "Why is this coming up AGAIN?"

I have said it before and I will continue to say it forever and ever, people with mental illnesses are locked in their own minds, it is a prison. And we need visitors too, just like those people down at the county jail.

It's 2:19am, and I am awake. I think I will get some juice and watch a movie so I can get ready to go to therapy in the morning - my safe place.

15 years ago today...

I lost my daddy. I will FOREVER love the man he truly was, and I will FOREVER miss THAT man. I have the perfect picture of THAT man hanging in my living room, holding me when I was 5 or 6; and it will always be shown to any new visitor to my house - because that is a TRULY HAPPY, CAREFREE daddy-daughter moment.

The last few months with this blog, I get in this mood to share, share, share!!! Then I get a feeling that no one wants to read my "junk" so I don't post for a while until something hits me hard. But Keith reminded me of something tonight at a church picnic, this blog is FOR ME. I told a friend at church about this blog, and how I do it to try and let people see inside the world of O.C.D. and inside my head. And when Keith was talking about my blog during that conversation - he said "it is her outlet and way to express things she cannot say out loud." I realized then my neglect of the blog is OVER.

SO ATTENTION!!! If you don't want to read about my O.C.D. junk - STOP READING NOW and FOREVER! LoL! And if you want only fun, fluffy, feel-good stories to read - no need to stick around here. This blog is about my O.C.D. riddled mind and what goes on with me -so it will be the GOOD - the BAD - & the UGLY; IT WILL BE REAL!!! Be prepared...

Another thing, I read a couple of old posts tonight - get over the spelling and grammar errors. When I get going, I am SO NOT worrying about that. I am typing from my heart, from deep down and the grammar means nothing at that point, even to a former teacher.

After talking to a friend today, who asked questions - WHICH I LOVE!!! I have decided to post some back story here in the next few days/weeks. About how all this "happened" to me. And if you are still reading this - and you are curious tonight or EVER - ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER mind being asked about the O.C.D. - NEVER! I want people to learn about this disease and how TRULY awful it is, and how silent it is. And I want people to learn how powerful friendship and love are, and how your note or email can mean the WORLD to someone dealing with a mental illness.

We are in the bed, I have a hubs snoring beside me, a dog snoring on the floor beside him, and another dog at the end of the bed snoring. OH MY! The only ones not snoring are Marlie & Me. (LOL! that was funnY!)

I am off to play a game on my Nintendo DS for some down time before going to sleep. Nite :o)

So I took a quiz on O.C.D.

It was a two part quiz, 10 or so yes/no questions and 10 or so how deep does this run question (how many times a day do you do it, how dibilitating is it?)

The said a score of 12 & Up could mean that O.C.D. is likely and that you should see a physician.

I scored a 40.

I laughed out loud. I am thinking I don't have one piece of O.C.D. I got the whole thing. I thought back to these two people on the show I watched last night, and the very specific issues they had. He had a germ thing, She was a checker/hoarder. What happens when you have nearly every possible one? I have a germ thing, I check, I hoard, I have phobias, I pull my hair (eyebrows mostly for me - I am very obsessive about plucking them), I repeat things 100s of times. I have bath time, bathroom, bed time, meal time, study time, church time, driving, laundry, mailbox rituals that must be done exactly has necessary or I will be a total wreck, something bad might happen. And even if you prove to me that nothing AWFUL will happen if I do not do them, my head is in EXPLOSION MODE because I couldn't complete them. So I am going to be interested to see how deep they go OBSESSED, or will it be the one hit wonders (maybe two or three hits, ok? LOL!) Or will they try and deal with someone like me???

OBSESSED

There is a new show on A&E that I just finished watching, called "OBSESSED." It was really interesting to watch people with O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) going through it, since I have O.C.D. It was comforting in a way, since I have never had anyone TRULY understand what goes on in my head, because they can't. And frankly I haven't had many people TRY to understand. They think it is being ridiculous and dramatic and once they tire of it, they just choose to no longer be around me. My obsessions about what people think about me, or what they MIGHT be doing have cost me friendships. And as the guy said in the closing of the show - People with O.C.D. are lonely - so lonely, because we live in the prison of our minds and no one comes to visit because it is too MESSY and they cannot deal with it.

They are doing exposure therapy with the patients on "Obsessed", and that is not something I agree with. Do I have coping mechanisms, ABSOLUTELY! But even if one thing ceases to be a compulsive thought or action, it is replaced with another. So the germ-a-phob guy on the show who had no trash cans in his house, no towels in his bathroom was made to do this so his "therapist" could put a dirty tampon in his garbage can, and use his towels. Then he was made to hold the towels. And after 3 months of therapy she told him "You cannot control your thoughts, you cannot control you anxiety, but you can control how you react to it." ABSOLUTELY - I control how I react to mine all the time, I push pause, I stuff it till later - but it is GOING TO COME OUT SOMEHOW. It may not be in a visible way that anyone else can see, I'll just do it in secret. I did it for years, when something I did got to weird for people to deal with, or I was told it was annoying or to stop doing something, I just switched the compulsion. I did something in the presence of other people so they wouldn't see, to bide my time. Then when I was all alone and could be FREE - I did the compulsion I needed to do one, two, three or eight hours ago.

The lady on the show had lost her father in an accident, and she had held onto the clothes he died in. She hid them, only brought them out in private. I have so many things - SILLY THINGS - that I have held onto for years. They mean something to me, it might have been a kleenex used at a funeral or a various other things I am not even willing to share openly on this blog - and do I think OH MY GOODNESS why am I keeping this? YES!!!!!!!!! But I cannot throw it away - I might NEED IT.

My psychiatrist told me when I began to see him he did not believe in behavior modification therapy, that is what they are doing on this show. And now that I know more about my disease I understand why. I have been in therapy for FOUR YEARS learning coping mechanisms - these people did 12 weeks and they are suddenly CURED of their O.C.D.? All this type of therapy does is take away the physical manifesting of a person's anxiety. They may not check a lock 100 x's, they may not wash their hands 40 x's a day, but does that mean the thoughts are not there? I don't think so. Can people be "made" to do things, absolutely - but that doesn't take away the MENTAL torture they have in their minds. And I can tell you all day long that I am fine, great, wonderful - it doesn't mean that I am. I can tell you I am not anxious, and if I train myself to hide all the physical manifestations of anxiety - you won't know that I am anxious - there will be no facial expressions, not checking, no washing rituals - but it is still there - inside my head with no where to go. And just like a container that gets TOO full of water - eventually it will start spilling out - over the sides and EVERYWHERE. And honestly when those are put up feelings and anxiety and emotion - I have no idea how they will then manifest - NO CLUE.

I have a dear husband, who loves me enough to walk this journey with me, and I am incredibly lucky to have him. I had lunch dates, movies and shopping with friends. Parties to go to, had people over for cookouts and holidays. I don't have that anymore. And it is so sad to me that people could not deal with this craziness that is my life, but I understand it. I see how annoying my need to constantly be told that you are not mad at me would be frustrating. That my constant worry that I did something wrong would be annoying. That my need to do things a certain way would be tiring. That my obsession with you as my friend, would be suffocating. But it doesn't make it any easier that I spend most days alone, and no longer have those fun things to look forward to. I am just so thankful that Keith loves me and he is my best friend, and I am his - and that we love to do the same things and even the things we don't have in common we tolerate just to be with one another.

Final thought for the evening - just to try and get you to understand what an obsessive thought feels like. Imagine a song that DRIVES YOU UP A WALL - I mean you HATE THIS SONG. It makes you want to throw up with you hear the first note on the radio and you quickly change the station. Imagine that someone hijacks your car stereo and suddenly the only song that being played is that DETESTABLE SONG, and there is NO OFF button to push, no volume to turn down. Every time you get in your car you hear it at the loudest volume possible with no way of turning it down or even off, no way to even remove that radio from your car or disable it - it just IS that way and there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING you can do about it - your car is now THAT HORRID SONG! That is an obsessive thought.

I see more posts coming...stay tuned...

My childhood....Dan Miller

No this man is not a member of my family, and I have never met him personally. But he has been the news anchor on Channel 4 in Nashville my ENTIRE LIFE! I mean, you turn on the channel 4 news and you expect to see Dan & Demetria. WOW! This news hits me kind of hard this morning. Someone you have been used to seeing every night when you watch the news, and now he is gone. He has a young daughter, and I feel for her so much, and can relate - losing my own dad at 17.

Dan is a piece of my youth, and my present, and he will be greatly missed.

Prayers lifted up for his family and co-workers, and all the people of Middle Tennessee who loved him.

Dan Miller 1941 - 2009

Therapy, Prayers, and more...

Tomorrow my best friend is having major surgery. Please lift her up in prayer and the doctors who will be working with her before during and after surgery.

Also, my friend Sandy's little boy - Cooper, has been diagnosed with Neurocutaneous Melanosis. He is 15 months old, and is undergoing chemo treatments. Please keep them in your prayers. Going back and forth to the treatments, and trying to raise both Cooper and his older sister is rough. And I know Sandy and her husband will appreciate any prayers said for them.

Tomorrow I have my first therapy session of 2009, and it is the first one since November. With Keith's job loss, no insurance, busy schedules at the therapist's office it has been a long time coming. I am afraid she is going to have to block off more than one hour for me! LOL! Or at least have to say "OK LORI YOUR TIME IS UP!!!"

Keith has started his new job and we are so excited. We became members of First Baptist Church here in town. And we are having our first "outside of church" get together with our small group on Saturday night. So exciting!!!
OH - and see that cool little "somethinghappens.org" on the right side of my blog - GO CHECK IT OUT!

Have a great Tuesday!!!

Confused???

Have you ever been confused? Truly I mean, the definition of the word confused is:

"con·fuse (kən-fyōōz')
v. con·fused, con·fus·ing, con·fus·es
v. tr.

1. A.To cause to be unable to think with clarity or act with intelligence or understanding; throw off.
B. To cause to feel embarrassment.
C. To mistake (for another): confused effusiveness with affection.
D. To make opaque; blur: "The old labels ... confuse debate instead of clarifying it" (Christopher Lasch).
E. To assemble without order or sense; jumble.

2. A. To mistake (for another): confused effusiveness with affection.
B. To make opaque; blur: "The old labels ... confuse debate instead of clarifying it" (Christopher Lasch).
C. To assemble without order or sense; jumble.

3. Archaic To bring to ruination."
from dictionary.com

Well I am CONFUSED! I am "unable to act with clarity or intelligence" right now on a couple of subjects. They overwhelm me, I am so confused. I just have the feeling that God is trying to tell me something through all this, I mean I KNOW he is, but I wish I could figure it out. Because out of this confusion is coming deep hurt on one topic. And on the other, it is making me feel uneducated. And I can "fix" the uneducated part - I can learn, I can grow, I can become educated on the topic, and I plan to do so - I am speaking about the bible. And the study of it in this instance. I never did this growing up, in the Catholic Church we did not do a lot of bible study, so since we have started attending First Family, I have started to do this; and I like it, but it does confuse me. But I will learn, it will change, and I will grow. I see what God is telling me about this. But the other thing I am confused about - I don't see it. I do not see the purpose in my hurt, and pain. I KNOW THERE IS ONE, and it will become clear to me at some point, God will reveal it, and maybe he has and I am just simply not paying attention. But this hurt and pain - this confusion: is almost too much to bear right now.

And is it true that only we can make ourselves "feel" a certain way - we are responsible for our feelings? No one else can make us feel ANYTHING? That seems like such an odd statement to me, because I feel other people can make us feel things. Perhaps it is not them making us feel, but their actions cause us to feel certain things? But why don't people see when they hurt others? A better question is why don't they CARE? I have always "felt" for other people, and would hold my own feelings and emotions in so as not to hurt others. I wouldn't get mad when I should have, or cry when I should have, or say "HEY THAT IS NOT RIGHT" when I should have, to spare another's feelings. And yes, that is my own thing to work through and deal with. But I just don't understand how some people can have ABSOLUTELY no clue they are hurting someone, I don't believe that - I think they DO KNOW, and that is the much harder question in my opinion - HOW CAN you TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT? Knowing that you used someone, or that they have been a much better friend to you, than you have been or ever will be to them - and it is on PURPOSE. How can you be so WRAPPED UP in your own self, in your own life, that you don't care about those who care about you??? You need them when you need them, but when you have someone or something "better" (in your eyes) on hand, who cares about that old friend, they will be there the next time you "need" them again. That is SO WRONG, so VERY wrong.

That truly makes me sad. I NEVER want to be known as someone who is hurtful to others, or uncaring, or unreliable as a friend, God please never let me be the one who is so wrapped up in herself that she cannot be a friend to someone else.. I want to continue to be the friend people come to when they need someone; the friend you can always count on no matter what time of day or night, the kind of friend that would lay down her life for you just as God has taught us to do.......and hopefully one day - I will receive that same friendship in return...