a beautiful Sunday afternoon

I am sitting here looking out my picture window, blogging away, while Marlie is enjoying sitting in her daddy's chair watching everything going on in the neighborhood. I let them both outside to play, but Marlie wanted to come back in (and Missie never wants to stay outside unless you are kicking a ball for her.) So here we sit enjoying the windows being open, and the sound of the washing machine. WE MISS DADDY THOUGH! He is at work, and we pouted and asked him not to go, but he said he had to - LOL! He said it was really hard to leave us because we were all so cute. Gotta love that man of mine!

We have been trying to rent movies all week, always out of what we want; then we tried going to the movies and I got sick before we got there and we had to come home. UGH...I just thought I was going to die right there standing outside my truck. But I made it home and went to bed. Keith went out to his mom's to see his step-dad's new outdoor fireplace he'd built. I think we were just trying to relax after the emotional day we had on Wednesday. So...last night Keith got to come home reasonably early and he took me to the movies. We went to see Prom Night. Yes I know cheesy, horror movie. But I have loved those types of movies since Scream came out in college. So we get our tickets, our popcorn, our drinks and head to the theater. I am so excited because I NEVER get to see good scary movies in the theater. We go in and of course we were probably the oldest people in there at 8:50pm at night, but I digress. Then we take a seat in our "perfect" location (we always go to the local theater and we know EVERY ROOM and the PERFECT SPOT!), sit down, and about 4 minutes into the movie, it begins. The door (which we are beside) opens and closes about 3 MILLION times. People are up/down/up/down/up/down the stairs, of course you hear all these teenagers laughing and acting stupid. And I mean I TALK during movies, so I could care less, but don't do it so loudly that I cannot hear the movie! THEN, this one poor couple (who looks about our age) goes to leave the theater. The husband tells the wife to sit near the front and he will be right back. And when he comes back he has the security guard and manager with him. NOT SURE what those kids were doing in the back, but apparently they pissed these people off. After watching the scene it seemed the kids were throwing stuff. It was THE WORST experience I have ever had at a movie in our town. I mean awful. I enjoyed the movie and I paid attention as much as I could, but good golly miss molly - kids are RUDE. And with that statement I realize I have become the grown-up I used to think was a BITCH for looking at me with glaring eyes when my friends and I were actin' LIKE TEENAGERS in the mall/movies/anywhere. So funny how the tables just turn one day and there it is.

UPDATE on the FIL: ok he is a clueless jerk. I mean really he is. I blogged about my experience with his new girlfriend on New Year's Eve. So finally this past week we had to run by there to pick something up & Keith tells his dady "You need to apologize to Lori for your girlfriend cussing her out on New Year's Eve." He acted like I was NUTS and he had no clue what I was talking about, and that he wasn't standing RIGHT THERE when it happened. So I repeated the entire story, and he still looks at me like HUH? OMG! Can you say DUMBASS! He is, truly a dumbass. He has NO CLUE! I know my MIL (who divorced him years ago) has told me this since I met them both, but it just becomes more and more painfully clear as time goes on. Thank God my husband is NOTHING like his father, and he was raised by his mother!!!

So had a very busy last week: funeral, Keith has flat tire on the way home - have to pick him up, and that one flat tire ends up costing $1000.00 (it was more than the tire,) sick as a dog, laundry piling up for days, and terrible experience at the movies, and all the normal OCD stuff I deal with everyday no matter what...Honestly that just sounds like a week in our crazy life! (Oh and yes I know I sound like a neurotic mess, it's because I haven't slept since Friday night...LOL!)

I did a bunch of layouts last weekend, so once I figure out my new camera, I will take some pictures tonight and post them, along with pictures of my tattoos. My ankle finally looks good, so I am ready to show the world my latest. I got it 4 months ago, but wearing pants and socks over it during the winter, plus the way your skin gets dry in the winter (no matter how much lotion you put on it) made it take a little longer to heal than usual. OH - and check out my ebay auctions...ok honestly I am stopping now, really I am, I have to b/c I am rambling...
OH wait...PRAYERS NEEDED for some special friends Beth & Lottie, they are having some medical issues in the family; and prayers for another special friend of mine I haven't heard from in a few days and I am getting worried about her.
Love & Blessings...{for real this time :o)}

rough day today

I had therapy at 10am this morning. And although it was one of the good sessions, it still makes me tired. Then as soon as I was done we headed to Waverly for my Great Aunt Delsie's Funeral. Luff-Bowen in Waverly has been torn down, so they were operating out of a temporary facility, which was kind of strange, since I have been in Luff-Bowen since I was very young. Seeing all my cousins and everyone was so emotional. I felt so bad for Aunt Delsie's children. It was so hard to watch them walk up to the casket the final time before they closed. And then several of them broke down. Very hard for me because I have been through that with my dad and my Mama Elsie. It never occurred to me that we would go to the graveyard when Keith and I planned to go to this funeral. And then suddenly I realized talking to my mom at the funeral home that she would be buried where my Mama Elsie was buried. And that just hit me so hard. Mama Elsie died in 1995 (one day from being EXACTLY ONE YEAR from the date of my dad's death.) I have not been to the cemetery since that day. Then watching the screen with all the pictures of Aunt Delsie, and seeing my grandmother in them too. Seeing those four sisters, their parents, their kids, etc. So I had told mom well we'll probably go to the grave then b/c I would like to see Mama Elsie. So a few people asked if we were going, and on the way out of the funeral home, I just lost it. Donnie & Ellen were standing there (my uncle and aunt) and Ellen just held me. I said I just felt so bad that I hadn't been out there. And I love Donnie and he says "She'd love for you to come say hi." It is so strange that you forget it is their mom, not just your grandma? Ya know? So I was very upset, all the way out to the grave yard I was weepy. We went to the final prayer for Aunt Delsie and then walked over to Mama Elsie and Daddy Walter's graves. I couldn't even get all the way to them, and I just fell into Keith and started to cry. Then my mom, Aunt Betty, Donnie & Ellen all came up - Donnie said "Well did you say Hi yet?" And that made me laugh. Then Ellen said "she is probably thinking come on Lori hurry it up, Delsie is up here now and I gotta catch up with her!" After people stopped standing over me, I got closer and closer to the headstone with Keith. And finally I just knelt down and cried. Keith told me to talk to her, and to tell her that he was taking care of me now and that she didn't need to worry. And I finally told her I was sorry it had taken 13 years to get out there, I said "I'm sorry it took so long." And stayed there for a while and cried and then kissed her and stood up. Ellen and Mom went back to talk to Aunt Delsie's kids (they asked that we leave while they did the final stuff to the grave site.) And Keith and I stood there, and Donnie stood pretty close by for the entire time. My uncle Donnie. What can I say? He means the world to me. I love him so much, and he and I have always had a "connection" of sorts. He has his kids and other nieces and nephews, but I always know I can go to him for ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING. And him just standing behind us, just comforted me.

It is funny, b/c I told them standing there before I got close to Mama Elsie, that my dad died one month after I graduated from high school (July 5th), the next summer Mama Elsie died on July 4th. So those couple of summers pretty much sucked. Not to mention that I was off at college, away from my family, and I felt like I never got to talk about here, and grieve like I should have, about my dad too. It just felt like we didn't talk about how sad we were, and it just wrecked me. Therapy has helped, and I have gone to my dad's grave and let it all go. But going to see my Mama Elsie was different. I don't know why. I'm glad I went, and even though I am completely WORN OUT now from this very emotional day of saying goodbye to the last matriarch of our family (so to speak) and talking to my grandmother, I am glad I did it. I am glad I faced a fear, and I am very thankful that Keith was there with me, to hold me, to love me, and to just BE there. I am off to bed.
Love & Blessings...

Death in our family...

My mom called today and told me that my Great Aunt Delsie died. I know for some families you might not even KNOW your great aunt. But in my mom's family WE DID. We had yearly family reunions up until my grandmother passed away, maybe a couple after, b/c she planned them. All my grandmother's sisters (she had 3) lived in the same town, one lived right down the road from her. So we saw all of our cousins and aunts A LOT growing up. Aunt Delsie was my favorite great aunt. She was always so fun and full of life. Dancing and singing. She was so much fun. I have the most memories of time with her. I remember her quilts and remember wanting one so badly. And at my bridal shower she gave me one. I was SO HAPPY! I know she didn't remember me telling her I wanted one, but I felt so special to receive one, and Keith and I still treasure that quilt to this day, it will be a family heirloom along with the one my grandmother made. This just makes me so sad. The funeral is tomorrow, so quick - but all of her family is near, and doesn't have to come from out of state. Keith and I are going to the funeral, and of course I am freaking out already. But she was in her late 80's and she lived a long life, and I am honored to have known her and called her family.
Love & Blessings...

MULE DAY PICTURES

I have been so busy listing ebay auctions that I have totally neglected my blog. So I wanted to post some pictures from the Mule Day parade last weekend. It was so much fun. The first picture is of the Pony Mules, then just a really pretty pair, and then the final pic is of the latest trend - putting car seats in your wagon. IT WAS HILARIOUS! I have never seen this before, and I've been to the parade many times. Keith and I had a lot of fun. We were right at the start of the parade, so we got to see everything, but the border collie herding the sheep. He of course was just let out to round up the sheep at the start, so we didn't get to see much of that. And NO BANDS from Maury County in the parade. OH NO it is SPRING BREAK, so we had Jefferson County Band from Georgia. THAT IS SO STUPID! I remember as soon as I was old enough to be in the high school band we could no longer go away for Thanksgiving because I had to march that Saturday in a parade. People just don't get commitment anymore. And think, my Thanksgiving holiday was only 3 days at most off from school plus the weekend. Kids around her get TWO FREAKIN' WEEKS for Spring Break - so stupid.
Ok I am off to list about 40 more auctions between now and tomorrow night, so I'll try to spot some more fun stuff later!!!
Love & Blessings...

EBAY AUCTION EXTRA PICTURES

Having an OCD day...so here are some facts from NIMH and some thoughts from me.

Everything from NIMH (National Institue of Mental Health) will be in italics. My personal thoughts will be in bold type.

For example, after touching a door-knob a person might have the thought that they may develop a disease as a result of contamination. They then experience anxiety, which is relieved when they wash their hands. This might be followed by the thought "but did I wash them properly?" causing an increase in anxiety once more, the hand-washing once again rewarded by the removal of anxiety (albeit briefly) and the cycle being repeated when thoughts of contamination re-occur. The distressing thoughts might then spread to fear of contamination from e.g. a chair (someone might have touched the chair after touching the door handle).

It should be noted that the distressing thoughts cannot be discounted. There is always the possibility that the door handle MIGHT have been touched by someone who was ill and so pass on an infection - the probability is very low; but not zero.
The typical OCD sufferer performs tasks (or compulsions) to seek relief from obsession-related anxiety. To others, these tasks may appear odd and unnecessary. But for the sufferer, such tasks can feel critically important, and must be performed in particular ways to ward off dire consequences and to stop the stress from building up. Examples of these tasks are repeatedly checking that one's parked car has been locked before leaving it, turning lights on and off a set number of times before exiting a room, or repeatedly washing hands at regular intervals throughout the day.

Symptoms may include some, all, or perhaps none of the following:

Repeated hand washing

Repeated clearing of the throat, although nothing may need to be cleared.

Specific counting systems — e.g., counting in groups of four, arranging objects in groups of three, grouping objects in odd/even numbered groups, etc.
One serious symptom which stems from this is "counting" steps — e.g., feeling the necessity to take 12 steps to the car in the morning.

Perfectly aligning objects at complete, absolute right angles, or aligning objects perfectly parallel etc.

Fear of acting out on violent or aggressive impulses, or feeling overly responsible for the safety of others.

Sexual obsessions or unwanted sexual thoughts. Two classic examples are fear of being homosexual or fear of being a pedophile. In both cases, sufferers will obsess over whether or not they are genuinely aroused by the thoughts.

Strange and chronic worries about certain events such as sleeping, eating, leaving home, etc. without proper items. An example would be one who is unable to fall asleep without a metronome.

Fear of going crazy.

Having to "cancel out" bad thoughts with good thoughts. An example of this would be imagining harming a child and having to imagine a child playing happily to cancel it out. Sometimes, although this is uncommon, someone with OCD will escape into fantasy because of bad, unwanted thoughts.

A fear of contamination (see mysophobia); some sufferers may fear the presence of human body secretions such as saliva, blood, sweat, tears, vomit, or mucus, or excretions such as urine or feces. Some OCD sufferers even fear that the soap they are using is contaminated.[11]

A need for both sides of the body to feel even. A person with OCD might walk down a sidewalk and step on a crack with the ball of their left foot, then feel the need to step on another crack with the ball of their right foot. If one hand gets wet, the sufferer may feel very uncomfortable if the other is not. If the sufferer is walking and bumps into something, he/she may hit the object or person back to feel a sense of evenness. These symptoms are also experienced in a reversed manner. Some sufferers would rather things to be uneven, favoring the preferred side of the body.
An obsession with numbers (be it in math class, watching TV, or in a room). Some people are obsessed with even numbers and loathe odd numbers (odd numbers cause them a great deal of anxiety and often make the person uncomfortable or even angry) or vice versa.

Twisting the head on a toy around, then twisting it all the way back exactly in the opposite direction.

Fear of transformation. A fear of transforming into someone or something else.

Losing one's self or taking on undesired characteristics is what creates the anxiety and fear. Rituals such as counting, blinking, checking, hand washing, etc., may eliminate the anxiety when they are done in a way which "feels right" to the sufferer.

In some cases, a pattern of uniformity on a bank account may indicate obsessive-compulsive spending. In addition, the affected person may feel complacent about or invincible against the economic issues.
Often, the brain challenges the person to a challenge that you feel you will die if you do not do it correctly.

A person compulsively checking their front door may argue that the time taken and stress caused by one more check of the front door is considerably less than the time and stress associated with being robbed, and thus the check is the better option. In practice, after that check, the individual is still not sure, and it is still better in terms of time and stress to do one more check, and this reasoning can continue as long as necessary.

OCD's effects on day-to-day life — particularly its substantial consumption of time — can produce difficulties with work, finances and relationships.

It is really hard to explain how you think or feel when you have OCD. It seems whenever I am trying to convey a point, I just can't shutup. I keep talking and talking, and usually end up making it worse, I am sure. At which point the discussion or issue may be over, but I will spend the next 1, 2, 3 or 50 hours thinking how can I fix this? How can I make the person not be mad at me, or see I am sorry? The person may not be mad, they may have already forgotten about our conversation, but I haven't. I go over and over and over it in my head. Just like the example above from the NIMH about "Did I wash them properly?" I ask myself that question about EVERYTHING I do. Did I explain properly, did I express my feelings properly, did I put this scrapbook page/card together properly, did I do WHATEVER properly or enough, or little enough or WHATEVER.

There are approximately 12 symptoms listed above, I have all of them. ALL of them at some time or another. Which COMPULSION I am doing at the moment depends on what my "stressor" is. I count a LOT, I count everything. And when I get something stuck in my head, it is there, and I may say it outloud for hours, days, weeks or months. Now you are asking? Did you ALWAYS do this, Lori? YES. I just hid it for most of my life. When people said "quit daydreaming", I wasn't I was counting or singing or whatever the compulsion is at the moment. When children are little I am sure this is the "parrot" syndrome. I am sure that people think ohhh how cute. Not so much. I WAS BEING COMPULSIVE! It is hard to explain to people why I worry about things, and how I worry, and why I can't stop. And why no matter how many times they tell me it is ok I can't let it go. It isn't that I don't believe them, and when they think that I feel TERRIBLE. It is that I feel like I need to say more, or less or whatever. This is my favorite quote about OCD - it really says it all about my daily life.

"Having OCD is like being allergic to life - every waking moment is spent in a state of mental hyper-sensitivity."

Imagine not being able to stand someone touching you, and they do it all day every day, no matter what you say or do to stop them. That is what life is like to me. Something is always scary. Something is always a stressor. Something is always sad. SOMEONE IS ALWAYS TOUCHING ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT! No matter what...My best friend uses the term people pleaser, and I honestly think I have that as a disease. I am so worried about making everyone happy, that I get myself in some jams. I tick people off, I make them upset, I hurt their feelings, all because i am COMPELLED to do what I think they want or what I think they need. I worry that people are mad at me all the time, constantly. Probably why I could never hold a job, I was too dang paranoid about everything. If I ask Keith once, I ask him 10 times a day "Are you mad? What's wrong?" Why can't I just fly by the seat of my pants (That's another bff term.) That truly sounds GLORIOUS. To just let go so much that you can do anything you want, anytime you want. That would be heaven. But I can't, I am bound to schedules and plans and routines and compulsions, so much so that I think I might eventually push every person I truly care about right out of my life. Because they can't understand no matter how badly I want them to, or need them to. What if one day they all just say FORGET IT, we can't DEAL with you anymore!!! What will I do then?

That fear of going crazy listed above, I have that fear along with the fear of being alone every day. You know those commercials about being a friend to a person with mental illness and how it is hard, but it means more to them than they can tell you. Those commercials are so true. I know I am irrational, I know I am paranoid, I know I am just plain CRAZY sometimes, but I can't help it. And I don't want to be that guy sitting on the couch playing the video game all alone because he drove everyone away.

Now that I have spilled my guts, had my good cry in the shower for the day, and feel a little better I am going to go scrapbook and try to relax...remember I said TRY, I didn't say I would...see here I go again...

Been a few days, I am a slacker....

I have just not felt well. No I do not have some mysterious illness. I have gotten lots of emails asking if I am ok, and if I need anything. So I figured it was finally time to spill. We are trying to have a baby, and we have run into some issues. So they have given me medication (which makes me feel HORRIBLE) and we're going from there. Keith and I swore we would never do the whole fertility thing, but you can't really say that until you are in the situation. You go one step at a time. I won't bore you with all the details, but please keep us in your thoughts. It has been a long road dealing with my OCD and finally deciding the time was right to add a little one to our family, so it is very frustrating now that we are running into some stuff.

Now FUN STUFF! This weekend is MULE DAY! If you don't know what MULE DAY is go to to www.muleday.com It is a really cool time of year, and I LOVE the parade. NO I did not grow up here, so I am NOT sick of it yet! LOL! I love going out to the park and watching all the Mule Competitions and especially walking through the barn and seeing all the babies. Plus there are usually some pretty cool crafts and stuff at the park. Just a fun, hometown spirit weekend. So I will have pictures this weekend!!! It is REALLY crazy around town, and has been since Tuesday. But I really enjoy it.

Ok I have been posting ebay auctions all week. I now have 67 items up for sale on ebay. Look in my links if you want to see what I am selling. There are video games, shoes, rubber stamps, brass stencils,scrapbooks, papers, and on and on. I will be adding more every 3 or 4 days. So keep checking back! Most of my auctions start at 99 cents and have NO RESERVE!

I am finally coming down from my EBAY-O-RAMA HIGH, so it is time for bed. Have a GREAT THURSDAY!!!
Love & Blessings...